Frog Jokes

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A frog, curious about his family tree, wanted to find out if any of his ancestors came from Poland. He hired a researcher to look into it, who discovered that he was only a tad Pole.
- James Watkins

Ten year-old Johnny was walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a dead flattened frog on a string behind it, when he came up to the doorstep of a whorehouse. He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer it. When she saw him with his wagon and frog, she just stared and asked what he wanted.

Johnny said "I know what you sell in there, I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving till I get it!" She thought she would have some fun with him, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick out the girl he liked.

Johnny asked, "Do any of these girls have any diseases?" Well, the madam was somewhat surprised, but of course, she told him, "No". Johnny replied: "Well, I heard all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and that is the girl I want. I have the money to pay for it." The madam stared incredulously at him, but finally told him "Well, all right then. Mabel it is. Go upstairs and to the first room on the right."

So, Johnny headed up the stairs dragging the smashed frog behind him. About ten minutes later, he came back down the stairs, still dragging the frog. He paid the madam, and picked up his wagon and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him. "Since you already knew about Mabel, why on earth would you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" she asked Johnny.

He answered back, "Well, tonight when I get home, my mother and father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter. When they leave, I am going to sleep with her, and give her the disease I just caught. When mom and dad get home, dad will drive the baby-sitter home. On the way, he will sleep with her too, just like he always does, and he will catch it from her. When dad gets back home, he and mom will go to bed, and they will make love, and mom will catch it too. Then, in the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he will sleep with my mom, and he will catch it, and he's the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my FROG!"
- Russell Gray

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said "That would be okay" and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world...

The frog warned her "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that woman will flock to him...".

The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me...". So poof-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you...".

The woman said "That will be okay, because what is mine is his and what is his is mine". So, poof - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
- Laura Christian

The Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
- Jerry Hayes

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little 3 year old looked up at her mother and said, "Bud."
- Bill Degrenia
Why couldn't Miss Piggy sing?
Because she had a frog in her throat.
- Anonymous
Here are some answers to the age old (or new age) question, "Why did the frog cross the road?"

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the frog, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the frog crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

L.A. Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the frog and we'll find out.

Richard M. Nixon:
The frog did not cross the road. I repeat, the frog did not cross the road. I don't know any frogs. I have never known any frogs.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the frog cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The frog crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all frogs will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the frog crossed the road. Someone told us that the frog crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle:
It is the nature of frogs to cross the road.

Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan:
What frog?

Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no frog has gone before.

Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more frogs have to cross before you believe it?

Machiavelli:
The point is that the frog crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the frog crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Albert Einstein:
Did the frog really cross the road or did the road move beneath the frog?

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT frog. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the frog a job in New York.

The Budweiser Lizard:
Crossing the road was the frog's own idea. I didn't insist or even suggest that he take such an action. And I definitely did not push him. Honest.
- Bill Degrenia

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought "I don't think so."
- Lisa Rollins

What happens when frogs park illegally????
They get toad away.
- Brandi Evans
What has more lives than a cat??
A frog----- It croaks every night.
- Brandi Evans
What happened to the singing frog before he got to the chorus??
He croaked.
- Brandi Evans
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said: " If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I will be your loving companion for an entire week!!."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it into his pocket.

The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"

The man said: "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
- Laura Christian

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
- George Nelson

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